To Be Unstable

To be unstable
Is like walking the fine line of heaven and hell
One minute you’re eating ice cream in paradise
the next you’ve fell out of your beach chair onto the scorching hot sand.
You’re dizzy, you’re confused and it seems like the World is not on your side.
One minute you’re in love
the next minute you’re questioning whether or not you’re good enough
Then reality hits… you’re not
And you never will be
You’re enough for people to tolerate, but never enough for them to want.

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Premeditated Murder

You spent all day conjuring up the words to soften the blow when you broke my heart.How bout that? 

It was just yesterday I shared the pains that scarred that same heart you claimed you didn’t want to break.

How bout that?

It was all good just a week ago when I was loving you unconditionally for nothing in return.

How bout that?

Just a month ago I tried to free you from the burden of my life but you forced your way back inside.

How bout that? 

Seven months of unrequited love broken for the transparency you demanded, which is just a reminder that I’m too much for anyone to handle, let alone love.

How bout that? 

You met me hanging on by a thread 

 Restored my faith in humanity just to show me how much of a fool I really am for believing people could care without getting paid for it.

How bout that? 

But some how I’m broke, physically, emotionally, mentally, and a dollar can’t fix that so fuck financially.

How bout that? 

So when you found the perfect words to soften the blow for when you broke my heart it’s unfortunate you forgot about the ledge you found me on.

The one I almost slipped off when you saved me.

The one I’m writing this letter from.

The one that wished a bus would of ran me over after you shared those words that wasn’t suppose to break my heart, 

Now those words are held in contempt of my heart and they’re guilty of premeditated murder.
Goodbye cruel world

Wishing Well of Confusion

I wish I wish with all my heart that I had the answers to all the things that tear me apart.

I don’t know why I can’t do better

I don’t know what I am doing wrong 

I don’t know where my motivations gone

I don’t know who to talk to

I don’t know who to trust

Because Most people would just say I’m doing too much

It’s not as easy

Nor is it simple 

But my heart aches for reasons my mouth won’t dare to whisper 

Please Bare with me as I try to end this cycle 

Take my silence and distance as a signal for help because my mouth can’t voice what my mind and heart needs 

It burdens me, my new inability to succeed

Or to conform and simply perform 

But I ask for help today simply because I’m not sure what else to say 

Today I want to give up 

Today I want to give up

I want to stay hidden under my covers where nobody else’s judgement, but my own can touch me.

I want to avoid the tests, the homework, the pop quizzes, the lectures that have no real value once I die.

I don’t want to eat because I have high hopes that it will increase my ability to evaporate so I don’t have to step in front of a city bus because I don’t want to disappoint my mother any further.

I don’t want to be depressed anymore, but that’s the only true feeling I feel anymore.

I want to totally avoid people but then I also want to be wrapped up in my mothers arms while I cry about the million things that break my heart everyday.

I want to find a solution to the reason as to why I’m never good enough or why I can’t be better, but I can’t.

The overwhelming feeling of inadequacy is exactly why I must stay under my covers to avoid misjudgment for yet another day.

So today… I have given up.

I’m losing

The more I try to succumb to societal norms the more I’m losing my mind. School, work, money its all just a past time till we all reach our ends. Why does it have to mean so much when the connections we have to one another mean so little. Why are we competing when there are children who haven’t eaten and in America all we do is waste.

My heart goes to all the hard working overachieving people your success amounts to recognition and financial boosts, but what have you done for someone else who isn’t so fortunate. Or are you chasing more money, what will that get you.

Save the cameras, fame and I’m not even trying to make a name for myself. Why can’t I just sit around and love people all day long. The things we chase affect characteristics of wonderful human beings.

As usual I’m just in my feelings and ranting but the longer I study for a test and chase money the more I’m adding to the issue.
Why me?

Why me? 

Why us?
Is sitting in my bathtub listening to neo soul and drinking wine forever really that bad? 
I don’t think so but it’s unacceptable.
The bills have to be paid if I want to enjoy my wine and bubble baths with the sweet aroma of eucalyptus..

Until then Maxwell and D’Angelo are the only loves I know.

Dear Black People,

When will you realize that we are a threat to the society Europeans set out to build when they snatched us from our Mother Land. Our land was the richest, purest most beautiful land. We worked hard to maintain our famiilies, the true prize in life. We lived in villages where we all helped take care of one another. We created even more beautiful things with the fruit of our land. Now we slave in a system of money generating when hundred of years ago money wasn’t a real thing. We are in the “impoverished” communities and feel we are lesser in value because we don’t have everything they put on the TV’s that they want us to crave and desire. When will you realize just like they snatched us from our families in Africa they are subconsciously driving us from our families today. Spend more time at work to make more money to obtain an unnecessary lifestyle to keep up with European built standards. Now more than ever we need to stick by our families, our people. Support the black community and black-owned businesses to build ourselves up. Learn the land and make use of it. Because our beauty, knowledge, and strength are what they truly fear and you shall not give them the benefit of getting caught up in their system. Things will Never be in our favor but as long as we have the love and support for each other we will supersede our purpose and have something they can never take away from us. So please stop trying to please the standards of America that were never in our favor to begin with.

If I had a Dollar

If I had a dollar for every lapse in judgement
every time I let the gates around my heart fall
To those with little to no reciprocation
all my financial issues would be taken care of.
Why is it that I fear rejection
and I’ve luckily avoided it for years,
but now she spins around me like a boomerang
striking me every time.
Maybe it’s better this way.
Maybe I deserve it?
But it hurts,
My heart really, really hurts
and the one who I’ve given all my love tokens
is oblivious to the pain he causes.
Yet I still let him bask in my warmth
and he enjoys it, more than he enjoys me
Because he knows how I feel and what I want
But he denies me of those things because
“He’s not ready…”
Ready to fuck, but not ready to love
And I’m too busy depositing my love tokens
Alone and in pain
and I cant seem to help, but wonder
If I was just another opportunity he got to take.
But I need to get out before I over expense myself.
But I can’t help, but just give you one more dollar
In hope that one day
I’ll invade your mind like you do mine
That I’ll be all you ever want and something you’d never want to lose.
But until then I’m just the girl that got a long fuck with very little to show for it.
At least if I had a Dollar for every mistake I made with my heart
I would have a mansion to cry my lonely sorrows in.

Wanderlust

I wonder where your mind wanders
as I lay in bed with you on mine.
I wonder if you had the time
would your body be entangled in mine.
I wonder what you see when you look at me
if you get butterflies
or if your heart skips a beat
Or if I’m just overly obsessing
Because…
I do that sometimes ya know
But it’d feel a little better
If your mind wandered on the same
wonders that carry me to Newfoundlands
Unless you didn’t wonder about me at all
Then I’d just be wandering
In a dark abyss of emotions unsipped
by your lips that inhabit my fantaseas
as I motion towards the ocean
formed by the wondrous thoughts of you.

Are Your Wings For Me?

Im lost in a sea of my own mental confusion
Where I’ve hidden myself so well
I couldn’t even begin to tell
you who I really am
but I’m learning…
That
I’m just a girl with doubt
and insecurities
lost in the purity
of your brown eyes
that hopes one day
I can be enough,
but at the same time
I don’t want to ask for too much
but where does the line cross?
I find comfort in your wings
and warmth in your touch
but the problem is I think too much
I think that you won’t like me
when the layers start to peel
and I try really hard to mask what I feel
because people don’t care
about the things i try to share
and although thats not true for you
something about your consistence
patience and ability to make everything okay
Please forgive my circumstance because
I wonder if you’ll stay.
and I can’t help but question
Are your wings for me?
Or the time being?

Guardian Angel…?

Great was the wait..
and they say things worth having
aren’t easy to obtain,
but this angel came falling
and I don’t know if it’s my calling,
but I’m lost and I’m found
in the sea of brown
because you see me…
Beyond the lights
even in the night
you see me….
You see….
Something,
In me?
Which couldn’t be
See I preferred the hot pursuit
When I served
and you missed
But now you follow through
or Do you?
My perception is tainted by infatuation
on the lonely road to emptiness
because I’m will..ing to give you all
that you want or need, but as reality sinks
you want things, but not me
Or if I’m what you want
its very difficult to see.
But I put myself in the position to be
used, but not needed so I won’t say Im
mistreated.
When I was the very one to jump in the sea of brown
and I’m tumbling down
Into the abyss
Where you have the net, but you seem to miss
ME
Everytime.
I’ve confirmed that I’m still lost
and now i refuse to be found.