Im lost in a sea of my own mental confusion
Where I’ve hidden myself so well
I couldn’t even begin to tell
you who I really am
but I’m learning…
I’m just a girl with doubt
lost in the purity
of your brown eyes
that hopes one day
I can be enough,
but at the same time
I don’t want to ask for too much
but where does the line cross?
I find comfort in your wings
and warmth in your touch
but the problem is I think too much
I think that you won’t like me
when the layers start to peel
and I try really hard to mask what I feel
because people don’t care
about the things i try to share
and although thats not true for you
something about your consistence
patience and ability to make everything okay
Please forgive my circumstance because
I wonder if you’ll stay.
and I can’t help but question
Are your wings for me?
Or the time being?
Im lost in a sea of my own mental confusion
Great was the wait..
and they say things worth having
aren’t easy to obtain,
but this angel came falling
and I don’t know if it’s my calling,
but I’m lost and I’m found
in the sea of brown
because you see me…
Beyond the lights
even in the night
you see me….
Which couldn’t be
See I preferred the hot pursuit
When I served
and you missed
But now you follow through
or Do you?
My perception is tainted by infatuation
on the lonely road to emptiness
because I’m will..ing to give you all
that you want or need, but as reality sinks
you want things, but not me
Or if I’m what you want
its very difficult to see.
But I put myself in the position to be
used, but not needed so I won’t say Im
When I was the very one to jump in the sea of brown
and I’m tumbling down
Into the abyss
Where you have the net, but you seem to miss
I’ve confirmed that I’m still lost
and now i refuse to be found.
I’m not surprised that I’m not good enough…
Many actions and reactions suppressed at my expense.
I’m tired of wanting to be good enough
and recognized, but at the same time
I crave it.
You know the feeling when you’re all they want
the only one…
when your happiness is their happiness
and they’ll put whatever aside to achieve that.
Always on this one-way street
In rain, snow, or sleet
I make it my disposition to be in that
where you’re never alone or lonely on a cloudy day.
You say I deserve sunshine, but you steal my rays
And I let you,
That’s just me.
Giving and giving cause they say what is meant
But now your cup runneth over
I’m begging you to come over
and your basking in the glory of yourself
and I’m drowning in an empty well
wagering my last coin
wishing that one day
I too will be good enough.
that’s just me
And maybe I’ll never be.
Do you want to play a game?
Were your words when I was strapped down to the bed unable to speak.
You were close enough to touch, but for some unknown reason, my eyes couldn’t see.
Finally, someone wants me, but I don’t know who that someone could be.
You play your games late at night and it haunts me.
it pleasures me to be desired at the most undesirable hours, but
then you’re no comfort in the sunlight.
Maybe it’s because we both have secrets, secrets that can never come to light.
If they knew the real us, they’d never want us.
And that’s all we want. The comfort of being wanted is a warm blindfold.
I tangle with the devil at night and tip toe around Christ by day, but what can I say?
We all need something to believe in and who knows what the truth is?
To be honest, I’m so far from the truth my name should be a synonym for liar. I just don’t know. I’m so far withdrawn sometimes I don’t even know what the real truth is. I think it’s because I want to be wanted. I liked to feel needed, but I hate to be used. But even when I’m used my availability doesn’t waiver.
I’m lost, I’m cold and the dark is approaching, I guess I’ll see you tonight… that is if you want me.
I take a sip then i feel it
You got what I want, but not what I need
Your comfort, you’re warmth, your protection,
but I’m unsure of your intentions.
You got what i want, but not what I need
Calcium, my strength, but also my vitamin D.
I churn for you, i yearn for you,
but thats just how I do
the farther I get into this glass
I’m not sure how long this will last
Now I’m on the toilet contemplating
Maybe that last sip done did it
But I’ll still let you hit
I just want to be wanted you see
And you say there’s something about me
but I’m sure there was something about her
because she got to you before it went bad
So you say..
But she comes first
And I’m indulging on what she had
I can’t keep track
I just know I can’t seem to stop drinking
the milk that does my body good
…but my heart and mind so bad.
Can I be your sweet afternoon delight?
You don’t drink so perhaps a cold coke or sprite.
Instead of the mistress of midnight
Can I be your friend before the day ends.
OR will I remain a late night summer fling
Throughout the day we share sweet nothings
I don’t know why I always fall for this
A warm hug and a sweet kiss
This game I play I seem to be unequipt
Take the lead I’ll follow strong
Or am I missing your very words
Mistaken for kicks
The days go by as our time grows shorter
and at times I leave you unamused
Maybe its best this way
I know I can’t stay
Which is probably why this is how things have come to be
The lack of knowledge on this thing makes it hard for me to compete
Why am I infatuated with love, but love does not love me?
It’s not suppose to hurt this bad, or this much, or for this long, but it does.
All the good times shared to prove the love and bond go out the window faster than the beat to your favorite rap song.
Can I be your favorite rap song?
Put me on repeat, recite me, but don’t you dare get tired.
Just Love me…
Oh how I wish you could just love me, like that rap song.
I want to be everything, but I am always reminded that I’m not
It hurts that you forget how much I love and how much I care
and the depths to which I would go
Because at times.. oh those dark times…
you mean more to me than life its self at times
I thought I expressed that.. but I guess it’s not enough
Why is it not enough to weaken the blows of your angry words?
Or have I shortchanged myself in the piggy bank of respect
Please forgive me, because Daddy left such a huge debt,
a debt I replaced with the finance of your love
and i find myself bankrupt in your absence
Have you ever heard a heart shatter?
Well I did.
Loud and clear
First there was a sharp pain then
My chest paused when
my breathe stopped
and the intense beating
I used my hands to ease the blow
as the shards pierced my soul
Then froze like a cartoon
When they realized there was no way to go
to escape the pain from the implosion
Ain’t no sunshine since you’re gone
My world has darkened
and there was no where to go, but
a hundred million together forevers
are never forever
How could anyone not hear that?
Chuckle Mr. Giggle
Being tickled as I Wiggle
Juvenile in thought
Mature in mind
Mine… You are.. or at least I want you to be
Least is what you expect of me because I’m not what you want me to be.
Bee.. Buzzing on a hot summer day
Sweet Honey slowly burning on the stove.
Mama’s cooking those sweet biscuit again.
Or at least I wish she would
Mama don’t cook no more
Supposedly I’m old enough to care for myself
My own job, My own money, Pay my portion of the bills
But Ma, I’m only 16
“I came to the states when I was 16, and never did I complain about taking care of myself,”
It’s a new age, she’ll never understand.
Misunderstood I remain
Until the value of hard work falls upon me.
Me? Yet who is she? or Who is I?
Questions I’m afraid to answer for I am afraid finding my purpose becomes the end of me.
You call him, but never see him, yet he’s there protecting me
Well my hearts broken, I’m not a cover girl, the most likes I get are on the internet.
Where is he now?
Where was daddy when I was growing up
Too many kids to care for one
Confined between thick bullet-proof glass
Draped in orange dressing,
Labels put on the man inside a place of maximum security
Then why don’t I feel secure.
Vulnerable indeed, because I’ve been looking for love
Yet love is yet to find me.
Where is she? Or He?
Whatever society expects me to be.
Expectation are the beings of our disappointment.
Yet I expect less and still disappointed by my ability to be more.
Or lack there of
But what do I know
I’m 17 now, still not cover girl material, and the most likes I get are on facebook.
The monsters were under my bed
In my closet
Please oh please mommy Check..
She never did.
Fetal position wrapped up tight in my blanket
I felt the dark red eyes on me
I felt the claws pulling at my blanket
It wanted me.
They wanted me
But I wanted you mommy.
But mommy didn’t want me.
My feet barely grazed the bottom
But I was safe in your hold
Then the instructor said “Let go”
You did just that.
The monster pulled me down
It tried to swallow
I hopped from foot to foot
Jumping for the safety of your hold
As you thought I was doing a dance
As I reached High School
The monsters were in my head
No need to call for mommy
Those dependent days were dead
I baked those monsters
I didn’t need an airplane,
They liked that.
They liked me.
I wasn’t scared anymore
They wanted me.
They demanded more,
They wanted more…
The adrenaline wasn’t enough
I popped a few to feel myself.
A few sips when the feelings became too much
The monsters got louder
I wasn’t giving them enough
That was okay, I was just happy they wanted me
I quit that nine to three
Because teachers only spoke on what I could potentially be
The monster wasn’t hungry
So we decided not to eat
It only got louder,
I think you heard it too,
That night you found me powder nosed
We knelt at the pew,
You cried for me,
The way I use to cry for you,
You held me long that night
Your embrace was warm and tight
Finally I thought I did something right
I haven’t heard from the monster since that night.