I wish I wish with all my heart that I had the answers to all the things that tear me apart.
I don’t know why I can’t do better
I don’t know what I am doing wrong
I don’t know where my motivations gone
I don’t know who to talk to
I don’t know who to trust
Because Most people would just say I’m doing too much
It’s not as easy
Nor is it simple
But my heart aches for reasons my mouth won’t dare to whisper
Please Bare with me as I try to end this cycle
Take my silence and distance as a signal for help because my mouth can’t voice what my mind and heart needs
It burdens me, my new inability to succeed
Or to conform and simply perform
But I ask for help today simply because I’m not sure what else to say
Today I want to give up
I want to stay hidden under my covers where nobody else’s judgement, but my own can touch me.
I want to avoid the tests, the homework, the pop quizzes, the lectures that have no real value once I die.
I don’t want to eat because I have high hopes that it will increase my ability to evaporate so I don’t have to step in front of a city bus because I don’t want to disappoint my mother any further.
I don’t want to be depressed anymore, but that’s the only true feeling I feel anymore.
I want to totally avoid people but then I also want to be wrapped up in my mothers arms while I cry about the million things that break my heart everyday.
I want to find a solution to the reason as to why I’m never good enough or why I can’t be better, but I can’t.
The overwhelming feeling of inadequacy is exactly why I must stay under my covers to avoid misjudgment for yet another day.
So today… I have given up.